December 19, 2002

In the Beginning, Mary Kay Went to the Mountain

(Mary Kay, Mary Kay, God Shed His Grace on Thee)

Mary Kay had lived eight years in the Wilderness of Clinton when the angel of the LORD appeared unto her in a flame of fire out of the midst of a Bush: and she looked, and, behold, the Bush burned with fire, such that it seared her eyes. And, yay though it burned since the eleventh day of the month of September, the Bush was not consumed.

And Mary Kay said, "What a marvelous sight, that the Bush is not burnt!"

And the LORD Bush called unto her with conservative compassion, and said, "Mary Kay, Mary Kay! I am the God of the Founding Fathers, the Keeper of the Flame of Liberty, the Protector of the Edifices of Capital, the Scourge of all who might endanger thee and my people Cheney and keep thee and them from reciting my Pledge of Allegiance."

And Mary Kay hid her face, for she was afraid to look upon the LORD Bush.

And the Bush burned bright and said, "I have surely seen the affliction of my people who are living under the threat of Saddam and the aluminum tubes, and have heard their cry by reason of their taskmasters; for I know their sorrows. And I have come down to deliver them out of the hand of the legislators and false judges, and to bring them up out of that morass unto a good land, a large land, unto a land flowing with milk and honey; unto the place of the Canaanites, of the Hittites, and the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites; and unto the Board Rooms and Secret Places of Negotiation in the subterranean chambers of the Palace of my Executive Branch in the House of my servant Cheney.

"Now therefore, behold, the cry of the children of Cheney is come unto me from out of the undisclosed places where the Cheney live; I have also seen the oppression wherewith the legislators and false judges oppress them.

"Come now therefore, and I will send thee unto Saddam, that thou mayest bring forth my people out of the affliction of terror."

And Mary Kay lifted her eyes meekly and said unto the Bush, "Who am I, that I should go unto Saddam, and that I should bring forth the children of Cheney out of the affliction of terror?"

And He flared with a great and perfect white light and said, "Certainly I will be with thee; and this shall be a token unto thee, that I have sent thee: When thou hast brought forth the people out of the affliction of terror, I will endow thee with a multitude of tax breaks and deliver you from the fate of Enron, that you never hear its name again."

And Mary Kay said unto the Bush, "Behold, when I come unto the children of Cheney, and shall say unto them, The God of the Founding Fathers hath sent me unto you; and they shall say to me, What is his name? what shall I say unto them?"

And the Bush sizzled with the heat that had not consumed Him since the eleventh day of the month of September and said unto Mary Kay, "I AM THAT I AM!" And he said, "Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Cheney, I AM hath sent me unto you."

And the Bush said moreover unto Mary Kay, "Thus shalt thou say unto the children of Cheney, the LORD God of the Founding Fathers, the Keeper of the Flame, the Protector of the Edifices of Capital, the Scourge of all who might endanger thee and my people Cheney, hath sent me unto you: this is my name for ever, and this is my memorial unto all generations.

"Go, and gather the elders of Cheney together, and say unto them, The LORD God of the Founding Fathers, the Keeper of the Flame, the Protector of the Edifices of Capital, the Scourge of all who might endanger thee and my people Cheney, appeared unto me, saying, I have surely visited you, and seen that which is done to you in the affliction of terror and the falling of towers:

"And I have said, I will bring you up out of the affliction of Saddam, unto the land of the Canaanites, and the Hittites, and the Amorites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites; and unto the Board Rooms and Secret Places of Negotiation in the subterranean chambers of the Palace of my Executive Branch in the House of my servant Cheney, unto an undisclosed location flowing with milk and honey.

"And they shall hearken to thy voice: and thou shalt come, thou and the elders of Cheney, unto Saddam, and ye shall say unto him, The LORD God of the people Cheney hath met with us: and now let my people go, that we may sacrifice to the Bush."

"And I am sure that Saddam will not let you go, no, not by a mighty hand.

"And I will stretch out my hand, and smite Saddam with all my wonders - yay, even unto the smallpox and the nuclear: and after that he will let you go.

And Mary Kay answered and said, "But, behold, they will not believe me, nor hearken unto my voice: for they will say, The Bush hath not appeared unto thee."

And the Bush said unto her, "What is that in thine hand?" And she said, "A tree, brimming with green life and home of many birds."

And He said, "Cast it on the ground." And she cast it on the ground, and it became a drill; and it pierced the soil until the holy gusher of oil leaped forth; and Mary Kay fled from before it.

And the Bush said unto Mary Kay, "Put forth thine hand, and take it by the tail." And she put forth her hand, and caught it, and it became a tree in her hand, but no longer green and no longer home to many birds, for it was covered with oil:

"That they may believe that the LORD God of the Founding Fathers, the Keeper of the Flame, the Protector of the Edifices of Capital, the Scourge of all who might endanger thee and my people Cheney, hath appeared unto thee."

And the Bush said furthermore unto her, "Put now thine hand into thy bosom." And she put her hand into her bosom: and when she took it out, behold, her hand was leprous with global warming.

And He said, "Put thine hand into thy bosom again." And she put her hand into her bosom again; and plucked it out of her bosom, and, behold, it was turned again as her other flesh, full of opportunity for the Edifices of Capital and New Technology.

"And it shall come to pass, if they will not believe thee, neither hearken to the voice of the first sign, that they will believe the voice of the latter sign."

And Mary Kay said, "O my LORD Bush, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue."

And the anger of the LORD Bush was kindled against Mary Kay, and He said, "Is not Colin the Secretary thy brother? I know that he can speak well. And thou shalt speak unto him, and put words in his mouth: and I will be with thy mouth, and with his mouth, and will teach you what ye shall do.

"And thou shalt take this tree in thine hand, wherewith thou shalt turn wilderness to oil and clean air to opportunity for business, and yay many more signs and wonders."

And Mary Kay returned to her people: and she took the tree, the branch of the Bush, in her hand, whistling and dancing and rejoicing unto the Bush.

And it came to pass that Mary Kay went up into the Mount of Executive Privilege, because the Bush had called her there.

And on the third day in the morning, that there were thunders and lightnings, and a thick cloud upon the Mount, and the voice of the trumpet exceeding loud. And the Mount of Executive Privilege was altogether on a smoke, because the LORD Bush descended upon it in fire: and the smoke thereof ascended as the smoke of a furnace, and the whole Mount quaked greatly.

And when the voice of the trumpet sounded long, and waxed louder and louder, Mary Kay spake, and the Bush answered her by a voice.
And the LORD Bush came down upon the Mount of Executive Privilege, on the top of the Mount: and the Bush called Mary Kay up to the top of the Mount; and Mary Kay went up.

And she said, "I beseech thee, shew me thy glory."

And He said, "I will make all my goodness pass before thee, and I will proclaim the name of the freedom and liberty that comes of obeying my word and pledging allegiance.

"Thou canst not see my face: for there shall no man or woman see me, and live. But behold, there is a place by me, and thou shalt stand upon a rock, yay the rock of mine defense from the missiles: And it shall come to pass, while my glory passeth by, that I will put thee in a clift of the rock, and will cover thee with my hand while I pass by: And I will take away mine hand but a moment, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen."

And so it was that Mary Kay saw for a moment the back parts of the Bush as He passed by. And she was sore afraid, for her skin began to peel.

And the LORD Bush said unto Mary Kay, "Hew thee two tablets of stone: and write thou these words: after the tenor of these words I have made a covenant with thee and with the people of Cheney."

And she was there with the LORD Bush forty days and forty nights; she did neither eat bread, nor drink water. And she wrote upon the tablets the words of the covenant, the ten commandments for the common people upon the first tablet and the other commandments for the corporate executives upon the second tablet.

For the common people	For the corporate executives

Furthermore, the Bush shewed unto Mary Kay a writ - an amendment prepared by His lawyers upon a third tablet, covering all the rights of His people Cheney to make a profit.

And it came to pass, when Mary Kay came down from the Mount of Executive Privilege with the two tablets of testimony in her hand, when she came down from the Mount, that Mary Kay wist not that the skin of her face shone while the Bush talked with her.

And when Colin and all the children of Cheney saw Mary Kay, behold, the skin of her face shone; and they were afraid to come nigh her.

And all the people saw the thunderings, and the lightnings, and the noise of the trumpet, and the mountain smoking: and when the people saw it, they removed, and stood afar off.

And they said unto Mary Kay, "Speak thou with us, and we will hear: but let not the Bush speak with us, lest we die."

And Mary Kay said unto the people, "I have been to the mountain. And I have seen the glo-o-ory of the LORD. Fear not: for the Bush is come to prove you, and that his fear may be before your faces, that you waver not in your journey to the promised land of milk and honey and undisclosed chambers of the holy."

And the people stood afar off, and Mary Kay drew near unto the thick darkness where the Bush was.

And the LORD Bush said unto Mary Kay, "Thus thou shalt say unto the children of Cheney, Ye have seen that I have talked with you from heaven."

And the people flocked unto the tablet of the corporate executives and the amendment writ upon the third tablet, as flies upon the honey. And they erected unto themselves a calf made of gold from the bounties that the LORD Bush had granted them in the form of new stock options and formidable tax rebates.

But unto the first tablet, of the commandments to the common people, no one flocked. And it grieved Mary Kay that it was so, and her face no longer shone.

And the LORD Bush looked upon His work and saw that it was good. "I AM THAT I AM!" He thundered. It was very good indeed.

[Read 'em & weep, folks: Exodus 3-4, 19-20, 24-25, 31-34]

- Lone Coyote Calls