September 11, 2002
PERSONal News Service

Cheney Kidnapped!

CEO Liberation Front Wants CEO's Released

In a stunning blow to the nation today, Vice President Dick Cheney was taken from his home by masked gunmen who later identified themselves as the CEO Liberation Front.

After a tense 2 hours at the White House, the telephone rang and the group presented its demands - free Kenneth Lay, Andrew Fastow, Samuel D. Waksal, Bernard J. Ebbers, Jack Grubman, John Rigas, Dennis Kozlowski, Martha Stewart, and a number of others, or "Mr. Cheney pays the price."

In a weird turn of events, officials said that "Halliburton Company and all its oppressed masses" was cited as one of the entities the kidnappers want released. Presumable, Mr. Cheney is a member of those "oppressed masses" because of his ties to the company. That raises the interesting conundrum that Mr. Cheney must be freed by the government in order for Mr. Cheney to be freed by the kidnappers.

President Bush, visibly upset, said in a press statement, "We will get them wherever they are, however long it takes. Do they want to see if I can handle it? Do they think I don't care about Dick? Well, we'll show them I can handle it. I care about Dick. We will get them, dead or alive. They cannot contend with the American people and get away with it. We will do whatever it takes, however long it takes, to rid the world of their ilk. Goodby, Dick."


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